Liberals invade Canada

The Manitoba Herald, Canada, as Reported by Clive Runnels, August 6, 2010



The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has

intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the

illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus

among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray,

and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.



Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology

professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at

night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood

producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose

acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He

asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I

didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay,

eh?"



In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,

but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush

Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still

got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any

milk."



Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near

the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across

the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of

these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border

patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported

drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing

loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been

circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals

will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.



In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the

border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy

cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in

powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses

and quizzing the supposed senior - citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary

Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the

accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about

their age." an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that

the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are

renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American

liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident

said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"



In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice

President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the

administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to

President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul

& Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage

stamps. The President is determined to reach out." he said. The Herald will be

interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for

the concert.